Norman, OK – In a horrible twist of fate, local man Patrick Oxley accidentally swiped left on his soul mate, Lara Sommer, while absent-mindedly thumbing through Tinder profiles, sources say. He then died alone in a cold, single-room apartment sixty-two years later.
“I thought I had tapped on a profile,” said Oxley, decades before his lonely demise. “I was just trying to check out a few more pictures for one girl, and before I realized what was going on, I had swiped left on at least five other girls. Oh well, it happens.”
According to sources, Sommer, a cute-but-not-like-a-supermodel-you-know-that-girl-next-door-type, blonde soccer player who loves dogs, books, and video games went on to meet up with a sweet accountant a six days after the incident. In that time, Oxley masturbated eight times and caught up on both House of Cards and Game of Thrones, then perished after countless lonely months.
“I’ve been on an interesting date now and then,” said Oxley, completely unaware that he had, in fact, skipped by the woman that would have made all his dreams come true. “I’ve just sort of come to accept that the relationship life isn’t really for me, though. Just nobody’s clicked, you know? Which is fine. I have my dog, after all.”
Latest reports indicate Oxley was planning to start Sons of Anarchy on Netflix with a Quesarito Big Box while Sommer was planning her wedding. Oxley’s dog, Scruffy, died at the age of eleven.