Brutal False Alarm Rocks OU Campus

Norman, OK – Authorities reported possible shots fired near Gould Hall around 11:17am today. Sweet Snark officials were on the scene within seconds to relay the situation quickly and accurately. Initial reports included one shot heard, but no sightings of a shooter. Thanks to social media such as Facebook and Twitter, we were able to find new details literally at the speed of light.

Protest Group Funds Billboard for Parking Garages

Norman, OK – Riding on the coattails of a successful movement by disgruntled Pride of Oklahoma fans and alumni, a new protest group has come forward with a billboard design to convince OU President David Boren to build new parking facilities on campus. Members of this “Store the Ride” movement believe this is the only remaining option to get Boren’s attention.

Thousands of Satirists Jobless After Government Shutdown

Washington, D.C. – On Monday, Congress successfully failed to pass a budget by midnight, resulting in the second government shutdown since 1996. House Republicans call this a “significant victory” against the “smartasses” constantly calling them out for their bullshit.

Asshole Professor Continues Exam Despite Power Failure

Norman, OK – When a glitch in the system at OG&E caused over one-third of the buildings on campus to lose power yesterday afternoon, many students were elated to find their classes cancelled for the day. Several students even reported getting out of a psychology test due to the blackout. However, one dick of a professor, Dr. Milford Crowder, refused to cancel his geography exam despite pleas from his students to reschedule.

#FreeOUGreek Leaves Hundreds Disappointed With Lack of Gratis Mediterranean Cuisine

Norman, OK – This Sunday, the hashtag #FreeOUGreek surfaced on Twitter, quickly spreading among members of OU fraternity and sorority houses. Despite its popularity, the purpose of this trend is yet unknown, and has caused quite a stir among students expecting free Greek food on campus.

“I’m totally broke, so of course I was disappointed when I got to campus today and found out there were no free gyros anywhere,” said sophomore Finance major Matt Nieland.

“This is some blatant false advertising if you ask me,” said senior Chemical Engineering major Stacy Reynolds. “When I see ‘Free OU Greek,’ of course I’m going to think free hummus and pita chips. It’s not a hard jump to make.”

Pride Battles Evil Badger Empire, Stolarik to Fulfill Prophecy?

Norman, OK – A few months ago in a town right in the middle of Oklahoma, a prophecy was once told of a director that would bring entertainment to the Pride. One young man from the University of Wisconsin, Dr. Justin Stolarik, was believed to be that director, but was quickly swayed to the dark side by the evil Sith Lord, Darth Weitzenhoffer. Stolarik came to be known as the terrifying Darth Bucky, and together they changed the Sooner Republic into the Badger Empire, plunging the band into a long civil war.

Turns Out, Lack of Female Drum Major Root of Pride’s Problems

Norman, OK – In an open letter to Pride director Justin Stolarik, a hilariously uninformed student made a compelling argument for the appointment of a female drum major. He states that, since the band is pretty much stuck with terrible changes and poor leadership at this point, members may as well shift their attention to more important social issues.

“Sweet Justin, he’s on to something,” said an unnamed junior color guard member. “I don’t know how we didn’t see it before, but having a male drum major every year is clearly the root of our problems.”

Daily Reports “News” – Legendary Pride Director and Grumpy Old Man Unhappy With Changes to Band

Norman, OK – Several sources reported today that former Pride of Oklahoma director, “Coach” Gene Thrailkill, has spoken out against the new director, Dr. Justin Stolarik. We approached several current band members, who agreed to share their thoughts anonymously.

David Boren Revealed as Mastermind Behind Satirical Twitter Account “FakeBoren”

Norman, OK – After controversy flared around the Pride of Oklahoma in recent weeks, an unknown genius created the Twitter handle @FakeBoren to parody decisions and comments made by the actual university president. Several followers suggested that the identity of the creator must be an upset Pride alumnus, but sources today released evidence that the spoof account was, in fact, run by President David Boren himself. These allegations were confirmed when Boren unmasked himself in a press release this afternoon.

Area Man Makes Awkward Eye Contact with Former Classmate

Norman, OK – While walking to class this morning, junior Energy Management major Kyle Murati awkwardly exchanged eye contact with a girl he thinks might have been in his freshman Comp 1 class. “It was the weirdest thing,” he told reporters. “Like, I was just walking along thinking about whether I wanted a sandwich or burger after class when bam, I’m staring into the eyes of this chick I think I know from somewhere. But I’m not entirely sure.” Murati was able to confirm that he was able to put on a weird half-smile before quickly looking at the wall to his right to make it look like he was just scanning the area.

“The worst part is that she was still, like, ten steps away, so we both had enough time to look at each other a couple more times,” said Murati. “Her face lit up like she recognized me, but I didn’t figure it out until I had gotten a few steps past her. I just kept glancing away at nothing in particular like something important had caught my attention, but there’s no way she bought it.”

Media officials were able to track down the ex-classmate for an interview, who agreed to comment anonymously.

“Yeah, I remember Kyle Murati!” she said. “We sat next to each other in Intro to Chem. He was really smart, but a little… you know, off?”

Murati was last seen sitting in the back of the classroom trying to avoid being seen by a friend he hadn’t talked to all semester, but didn’t notice was in his class until three weeks in.