We Heard It’s Easy To Get a Shoutout

overblown.co.uk

overblown.co.uk

Norman, OK – Amidst a developing fiasco involving The OU Daily, award-winning rock artist Jack White, and avocado dip, it has come to the attention of Sweet Snark that, apparently, it’s possible to get noticed by a musical artist just by writing a shitty article about them. Because we’re desperate for recognition from a famous rocker, we’d like to shed some light on Julian Casablancas. Due to the nature of the Freedom of Information Act not covering explicitly made-up bullshit, you’re just going to have to take our word on all of this.

According to the leather-clad artist’s contracts, Casablancas requires green Skittles in the dressing room for any given concert. “And none of that green apple shit,” one contract specified. “Lime. It has to be lime. That’s actually what inspired ‘Is This It’ from our first ablum. This chick just insisted that the apple flavor made Skittles better and… I just couldn’t handle that.”

He even demands a particular, homemade style of guacamole, just like Jack White! In fact, we’re starting to wonder if they’re really different people. In which case, we probably should have gone to that concert. Anyway, the recipe is as follows:

Ingredients:

  • 4x fresh avocados, large and cut long-ways
  • 2x ripe tomatoes
  • fresh cilantro
  • 750 mL Grey Goose vodka.

Instructions:

  1. Cut avocados long-ways and throw them in a bowl.
  2. Dice tomatoes and throw them in a bowl.
  3. Look at cilantro, decide this is too much effort.
  4. Throw vegetables out.
  5. Give vodka to Julian.

Well, we’re convinced that’s enough bullshit to warrant a shoutout from Julian on stage, if not free backstage passes to his next show! Now, about that solar-powered Segway in your contract, Daft Punk…

Area Man Accidentally Swipes Left on Soul Mate, Dies Alone

tinder

Norman, OK – In a horrible twist of fate, local man Patrick Oxley accidentally swiped left on his soul mate, Lara Sommer, while absent-mindedly thumbing through Tinder profiles, sources say. He then died alone in a cold, single-room apartment sixty-two years later.

“I thought I had tapped on a profile,” said Oxley, decades before his lonely demise. “I was just trying to check out a few more pictures for one girl, and before I realized what was going on, I had swiped left on at least five other girls. Oh well, it happens.”

According to sources, Sommer, a cute-but-not-like-a-supermodel-you-know-that-girl-next-door-type, blonde soccer player who loves dogs, books, and video games went on to meet up with a sweet accountant a six days after the incident. In that time, Oxley masturbated eight times and caught up on both House of Cards and Game of Thrones, then perished after countless lonely months.

“I’ve been on an interesting date now and then,” said Oxley, completely unaware that he had, in fact, skipped by the woman that would have made all his dreams come true. “I’ve just sort of come to accept that the relationship life isn’t really for me, though. Just nobody’s clicked, you know? Which is fine. I have my dog, after all.”

Latest reports indicate Oxley was planning to start Sons of Anarchy on Netflix with a Quesarito Big Box while Sommer was planning her wedding. Oxley’s dog, Scruffy, died at the age of eleven.

Seeing Campus by Drone

Norman, OK – We’ve all had the pleasure of seeing our beautiful campus from the ground and, possibly, from the top of Sarkeys Energy Center or the upper decks of the Gaylord Memorial Stadium. From the North-leaning trees to the iconic red bricks, the University of Oklahoma is truly a sight to behold.

Have you ever wondered what this school looks like from the sky? Unless you’re an aviation major, this opportunity has likely eluded you – until now! Sweet Snark has collected these three breathtaking pictures of OU landmarks from the point of view of UAV drones just before they strike, resulting in millions of dollars in damage and senseless loss of innocent lives. Feast your eyes on this remarkable new point of view!

gaylord

A modern and expensive testament to OU’s dedication to world news and politics, the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication stands proud moments before collapsing into a fiery heap of brick and concrete.

library

Arguably the most “OU” of campus buildings, both Evans Hall and the Bizzell Library boast a unique architectural design called Cherokee Gothic. While touring campus, you will learn that the administration building has been destroyed by drone strikes twice in OU history. Wow!

kablooey

The Pride of Oklahoma goes out with a bang in its final performance of the year, dazzling fans with an unprecedented display of pyrotechnics. Little did the audience know, this was completely unplanned! When reflections from a tuba interfered with the UAV flyover’s sensitive targeting devices, the drone’s weapons system triggered. This just goes to show that sometimes bloopers make for the best entertainment!

Stunning!

Surprise Landslide Victory by Zorboz the Uncompromising After Record Underground Lizard Population Voter Turnout

Zorboz

Norman, OK – In what was predicted to be a solid victory for incumbent Republican Governor Mary Fallin, Oklahoma shocked the nation by electing flesh-eating reptilian overlord Zorboz the Uncompromising (I) as its governor in the last minute. As polls came to a close, the last voting district, located completely underneath Oklahoma in a network of catacombs and emptied oil wells, reported its 2.8 million votes unanimously selecting Zorboz for governor.

Pink, squishy surface-dwellers voiced their surprise at this turn of events.

“I was completely prepared to be stuck with a cold-blooded, bloodsucking monster for the next four years,” said Tulsa resident Gerry Anders. “This is so much better.”

“I thought for sure we had the Gingrich family out of politics,” said Coalgate resident Tom Kennedy, expressing disdain for the choice.

In his acceptance speech, Governor Zorboz appeared confident, if somewhat surprised at the result.

“HISSSSSSSSSSSS,” said Zorboz. “CRK-CHHHK. HHHHIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” He then spat venom in the eyes of a nearby reporter.

To better understand the motives for the unifying and record-setting turnout, Sweet Snark sent a team of reporters underground to interview some of the local lizard people population. They have not returned, but we will post updates as new information comes in.

Beloved Pride Icon Returns Following Director Resignation

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It’s been a long, long time.

Nearly two years of strife. The Pride got a new director and controversy exploded like a prolonged public dispute, debate, or contention, even getting as bad as a disputation concerning a matter of opinion. We saw brother against brother. Alumnus against alumnut. Cats and dogs sleeping together – and presumably marching on the field because shit, we can’t think of any better explanation for that mess.

But ease your minds, dear readers. For today a light shines in the darkness. No longer does the Pride have to live under the threat of the Death Star or wonder if its drum major needs a vagina. Dr. Justin Stolarik has humbly stepped down. In his wake, the world will witness the reinstatement of a beloved Pride icon.

That’s right, Sweet Snark is back, bitches! And better than ever! We’re going to put the OU back in journalism! The EW back in news! The excessive use of exclamation points in amateurish writing!

This couldn’t have been done without you, our past readers who thought, “Where the fuck did Sweet Snark go?” Most importantly, we’d like to give a huge shoutout to our biggest supporter and most important person in the history of revolution: Ni-

Oh, who are we kidding? This is all thanks to a bottle of Prozac and cheap whiskey. Thanks, Big Pharma and… Whoever George Dickel is. You da best.

We’re looking forward to, once again, bringing you more of that high-quality news you’ve come to expect from the OU student body. Because nothing presents credibility like caffeinated student journalists on a deadline.

Now, it’s probably a good start to find out who’s going to replace this Stolarik guy.

10 Jokes Only the Insectoid Kx’Veryn Race of Syphar-4 Will Understand

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  1. It’s hard to explain jokes to a Kleptoid because the instant they are mentally stimulated, their secondary flux glands rip a hole in spacetime as a defense mechanism.
  2. Your mother is so fat, she could bed with a Tyri and none would be the wiser.
  3. A Kx’Veryn of the Romus district walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
    “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
    The Kx’Veryn slashes the bartender’s throat and pours his blood into glass with gin and one olive.
  4. To an optimist, the glass is half full.
    To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To a Kx’Vyren, the glass is not sharp enough to be used effectively as a weapon, and must be destroyed.
  5. What’s the difference between Mechanical Kx’Veryn and Civil Kx’Veryn?
    A Mechanical Kx’Veryn has surpassed biological imperfection, whereas Civil Kx’Veryn were wiped out centuries ago because diplomacy is nothing but weakness.
  6. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    The chemist has more of a peppery taste and is likely served with a glass of pinot cabernet, while a plumber is fattier and works better with a dark merlot or chiraz.
  7. Why did the Poit cross the road? WWAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR.
  8. The Kx’Veryn with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
    The Kx’Veryn with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
    The Kx’Veryn with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
    They were all killed for being worthless to the empire. There is only the art of war.
  1. How many Kx’Veryn does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No! Don’t turn on the light! Hisssssss!!!!
  2. Knock Knock? Who’s there? Interrupting Tyri. Interrupting Ty- MOOOOOOO.

Alcohol Awareness Training Glitch Gives Procrastinators Stupid Feeling of Triumph

cheers

Norman, OK – Procrastinators at the University of Oklahoma are celebrating a rare victory over kids who actually get their shit done today. Due to a glitch in OU’s OnPoint LMS, thousands of students were erroneously assigned an Alcohol Awareness training program. Failure to complete this training and quiz would result in a hold on enrollment for the next semester. Despite already participating in this training their freshman year, many responsible students took the quiz anyway, while those who tend to put things off now feel their shoddy organizational skills have finally paid off. Continue reading