Alcohol Awareness Training Glitch Gives Procrastinators Stupid Feeling of Triumph


Norman, OK – Procrastinators at the University of Oklahoma are celebrating a rare victory over kids who actually get their shit done today. Due to a glitch in OU’s OnPoint LMS, thousands of students were erroneously assigned an Alcohol Awareness training program. Failure to complete this training and quiz would result in a hold on enrollment for the next semester. Despite already participating in this training their freshman year, many responsible students took the quiz anyway, while those who tend to put things off now feel their shoddy organizational skills have finally paid off.

“I was going to get to it, really,” said junior English lit major Tanner Bigby, who reported a sudden feeling of superiority regarding those whose GPA is at least 1.2 higher than his. “When I got the email saying I didn’t have to take it after all, I ran to my roommate’s room and yelled, ‘Suck it! Way to waste your time on that stupid quiz! I spent that time doing fun stuff.’”

Junior chemical engineering major James Maggia, Bigby’s roommate, had this to say: “It took me, like, five minutes. Can I go now? I have a test tomorrow I was studying for.”

When asked whether he felt the training may have been useful despite no longer being required, Bigby said, “Nah, believe me, I’m already quite aware of alcohol, y’knw’hm’sain [sic]?”

Bigby refused to comment further, as he needed to get back to binge-watching House of Cards instead of working on that paper he was supposed to turn in yesterday and totally forgot about.

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