Norman, OK – After the shooting scare on campus Tuesday morning turned out to simply be a mechanical backfire from a nearby construction site, Sweet Snark staff hit the streets to get a feel for the student body’s general mindset. Results showed that the majority of students “kinda weirdly hoped it was real” and felt a morbid sense of disappointment toward the false alarm.
Freshman Taylor Mathis described her feeling of sort of uncomfortable excitement as events unfolded. “I was on my way to class when I got the news, and for whatever reason, my first thought was, ‘Whoa this is kinda scary awesome,’” she said. She shifted awkwardly and added, “In a weird way. I’m not a psychopath or anything, I promise.”
83% of students interviewed reported similar thoughts, saying they were glad nobody was hurt, but for some reason felt like it was pretty awesome that something crazy was happening at their own school. The remaining 17% either said they didn’t give a shit, or were clearly lying.
Even President David Boren expressed odd dissatisfaction in the situation. “Kudos to everyone who was involved. Our system worked. No one was injured at all,” he said in a press conference following the incident. “But honestly, when I strolled into that building, I was all ready to take a bullet or two to the shoulder before beating the piss out of some bitch-ass terrorist. That would have been just… so cool. So cool.”
“I guess it’s pretty normal to get pumped for some kind of excitement around here,” said senior Ben Quisha. “Aside from campus it’s pretty much flat nothingness for miles around. Occasinally when I’m walking around I’ll catch myself daydreaming like, ‘What if that water tower just, like, exploded?’ or ‘What if something happened and Sarkeys collapsed?’ That would totally get us on the news.”
Quisha is now in FBI custody for interrogation.