Norman, OK – This Sunday, the hashtag #FreeOUGreek surfaced on Twitter, quickly spreading among members of OU fraternity and sorority houses. Despite its popularity, the purpose of this trend is yet unknown, and has caused quite a stir among students expecting free Greek food on campus.
“I’m totally broke, so of course I was disappointed when I got to campus today and found out there were no free gyros anywhere,” said sophomore Finance major Matt Nieland.
“This is some blatant false advertising if you ask me,” said senior Chemical Engineering major Stacy Reynolds. “When I see ‘Free OU Greek,’ of course I’m going to think free hummus and pita chips. It’s not a hard jump to make.”
Once students realized OU campus would lack lentils and they would not be able to partake in a feast of paidakia, their attention turned to determining the actual meaning of the hashtag.
One anonymous freshman had not heard of the hashtag and looked horrified when reporters brought it up. “They’re arresting frat guys?” he said. Before hastily shoving his books into his backpack and running off, he yelled, “I can’t go to prison again!”
“So, uh, what, are they talking about fraternities?” speculated junior Communications major and Iota Beta Sigma member Garrison Shea. “I haven’t heard anything about it. What the hell does it mean?”
To answer that question, Sweet Snark will continue to look into this issue and update you as we learn more:
@YourKainess sends out the first tweet.
Monday – Wednesday
Hell, we’ll admit it. We weren’t paying attention. Have you heard about what’s going on with the Pride?
7:34 a. m.
Okay, so, uh, it appears this is about alcohol somehow.
8:14 a. m.
We emailed President Boren. He responded saying, “Thank you for your email. Your concern is important to us and we will get back to you as soon as possible.” Clearly, he’s waist deep in his own investigation as well. We’ll keep trying him.
10:23 a. m.
Still don’t know shit.
12:01 p. m.
Overheard students talking about #FreeOUGreek in the line at Quizno’s. Sources confirm that I am really going to regret this chipotle mayo tuna sandwich in a couple of hours.
1:50 p. m.
We emailed the Vice President of Student Affairs, Clarke Stroud, who responded with, “I’ve already talked to reporters about this. Don’t you read the Daily?” More on this later.
2:00 p. m.
After stopping a few students on the sidewalk, Sweet Snark is able to confirm that some students do, in fact, read the Daily. This is a huge development and may warrant its own investigation.
2:40 p. m.
This reporter will never eat tuna again, but it did give him enough time in the bathroom to read through today’s edition of the Oklahoma Daily. Conjecture: OU school of medicine could research the financial benefits to using student newspaper as a substitute for ipecac.
2:48 p. m.
We have received reports that readers are seeing these afteroon reports from as early as 11:00 a. m. Sweet Snark would like to clarify that this is not an error – that’s just how fast our journalism is. Current events are so three hours ago.
3:15 p. m.
After meeting with several members of Iota Beta Sigma, we have concluded that, at its core, cry for help.
“We just want to drink a whole lot,” said junior Chad Mackey. His brothers nodded in agreement before one added, “It’s just what we do. Alcohol is a huge part of Greek life. This is a huge issue.”
Clearly, members of OU fraternities and sororities are using the power of Twitter to call for an intervention. Now that we’ve uncovered the true meaning of this movement, Sweet Snark fully endorses the cause. If you know someone in the Greek system, please consider approaching them about their rampant alcoholism. They seem to be aware that there is more to life than the bottom of a bottle, but they need your help. Save a life. #FreeOUGreek