Norman, OK – In an open letter to Pride director Justin Stolarik, a hilariously uninformed student made a compelling argument for the appointment of a female drum major. He states that, since the band is pretty much stuck with terrible changes and poor leadership at this point, members may as well shift their attention to more important social issues.
“Sweet Justin, he’s on to something,” said an unnamed junior color guard member. “I don’t know how we didn’t see it before, but having a male drum major every year is clearly the root of our problems.”
Several other Pride members enthusiastically voiced their agreement. “I love this! It’s exactly the kind of drama we’ve been itching for all season,” said one sophomore trumpet. Another said, “Yeah, it’s perfect. I mean, it won’t make the halftime drill more interesting, or fix the underwhelming music, or get rid of the hitch step garbage, or put the alternates in a more worthy position than a stupid frame around the OU in pregame, or give us clearer communication regarding rehearsal schedules, or let us know what shows we’ll be playing beyond the current week, or help us memorize our music better, or help Dr. Stolarik keep track of where he is in the music he wrote, or make the administration take us seriously, or keep the alumni from forming stupid movements like not cheering in the stands. But you know what? At least the drum major won’t have a penis. I think that’s all we can really ask for.”
Some students expressed concern that, despite the progressive push for a female drum major, it simply isn’t radical enough. One hopelessly clueless non-Pride member suggested, “Why don’t they, like, get a gay director or something?”