Daily Reports “News” – Legendary Pride Director and Grumpy Old Man Unhappy With Changes to Band

tumbleweedinterviewNorman, OK – Several sources reported today that former Pride of Oklahoma director, “Coach” Gene Thrailkill, has spoken out against the new director, Dr. Justin Stolarik. We approached several current band members, who agreed to share their thoughts anonymously.

“Um, yeah?” said one junior saxophone player. “That’s pretty common knowledge. He sent that email in, like, February.”

“Did you know that we’re also switching to flat-rate tuition?” said a sophomore mellophone player through a bite of his Brian Britt Bacon Cheeseburger. “That’s gonna be big. Write that down, you could probably write a good article about that.”

One freshman flute player seemed surprised to hear the news. She said, “I don’t know who this ‘Coach’ guy is but he sounds like a jerk. Why would you go and get everybody riled up again right when things are starting to improve?” When the interviewer clarified that the comments by Thrailkill were made during the hiring process and not in recent weeks, she added, “Oh. Then what the hell, Daily? This is why nobody actually reads that paper.”

Reporters asked about comments made by President Boren in recent meetings, to which a senior clarinet player remarked, “Whatever. The only thing I’m internalizing is this sandwich,” he said. “But it sounds like Boren needs to externalize a little further than his teleprompter.”

The aforementioned flutist said, regarding Boren, “Aww, he said that? Internalize? What a cute little old man.” The saxophone player chuckled in agreement before adding, “Yeah, at that point, I guess watching paint dry is pretty visually stunning. They say life goes faster when you get older because certain lengths of time are, proportionally to your whole life, much shorter. With the shapes we’re making, Boren must be seeing a hell of a firework finale!”

We will continue to follow this story as it develops. In other news, hot leads indicate that beloved O’Connell’s pub on Jenkins will be torn down and replaced by new residence halls. Details at 11.

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