Norman, OK – Members of the Pride of Oklahoma marching band met with OU President David Boren on Tuesday to discuss concerns regarding the program. Reports on the nature of this meeting have conflicted, but today sources confirmed that rank leaders in the band approached Boren to present a list of demands. The following is a transcript of the letter drafted by Pride members.
Dear President Boren,
Some serious concerns have come to the attention of the Pride leadership team, and we have agreed that until our needs are met, the Pride will no longer perform at OU football events. Our demands are as follows:
- Fire Dr. Stolarik. Calling for the termination of our director is a central part of Pride tradition.
- Get the media out of Pride business. Firing all of the Daily staff would be productive.
- Return pregame to block formation. This is how we tell the opponent they’re a bunch of squares. The asterisk crosses the line – it’s unsportsmanlike to call the other team assholes.
- Add all alternates to pregame. Bigger is better, tone quality be damned.
- Reassign Dr. Brian Wolfe to the position of Potions Master.
- Put up more lights at the practice field. Replace the practice field with astroturf. Build us our own indoor practice facility. We can call this one Kangchenjunga.
- Change the OU mascot. Nobody really knows what a Sooner is.
- Serve us pancakes before every morning rehearsal.
D-Bo, this is our ultimatum. You have three options:
- Meet our demands.
- Live with the embarrassment of having no marching band at the game on Saturday.
- Give us a fancy painting from Max Weitzenhoffer’s collection. Preferably Picasso.
Despite everything, we’re actually totally cool with the third option. It’d be awesome if you could get us the original Guernica. If you managed that, we’d do whatever you want.
President Boren called the meeting, “Pleasant and very constructive.” He went on to say, “But I think the Pride is internalizing things too much. They should really be externalizing their issues.” When asked what the hell that means, he simply said, “It sounds like you’re internalizing that question.”
Reporting staff attempted to interview students leaving Boren’s office. While many rudely brushed past, one member, senior mellophone player Isaac Blaxton, agreed to be the lone spokesperson of the Pride for this particular article.
“You’re obnoxious. Everybody is obnoxious. Stop asking us questions,” he said. “We’d really like to get something accomplished without a microphone being jammed in our throats.”
We went on to ask about President Boren’s professional relationship with Dr. Stolarik.
“Seriously, guys. I don’t know,” said Blaxton. “None of us do. Why are you even asking me this?”
Still, we needed answers regarding the list of demands. We inquired about the seventh request, citing that the Sooner isn’t the actual mascot of OU.
“You’re telling me that we’re the Oklahoma Sooners, and we have dudes in horse costumes cartwheeling around the stadium,” said Blaxton. “But our mascot is actually the schooner? It’s a goddamn wagon? What is wrong with this school?”
President Boren was asked to comment on the mascot issue, but dodged the question by talking about OU’s high number of National Merit Scholars and telling a cute story about the one time a freshman’s mother wouldn’t leave the dorms. Just before press time, he was seen in his office, clutching a bust of John F. Kennedy and murmuring, “Externalize, externalize, externalize…”