God Inflicts Cricket Plague on City, Stolarik Revealed as Messiah

stolarikdoves

Norman, OK – Social media has exploded with memes and comments regarding the sudden cricket outbreak on campus. Students have speculated about the origin of this horde of insects, but a true explanation has, so far, remained elusive.

All conjecture was put aside when God, the King of Kings, appeared at a press conference to explain the connection between this chirping epidemic and recent controversy surrounding the Pride of Oklahoma marching band. Our Heavenly Father shocked reporters when He stepped down from the golden throne in a brilliant flash of light and clap of thunder to proclaim the Director of the Pride, Dr. Justin Stolarik, as his Only Son, the Lamb of God.

“This is my beloved Son,” said the Divine Creator. “With whom I am well pleased. I mean, the shows aren’t perfect, but chill out a little. He’s trying.”

The Alpha and Omega went on to clarify certain aspects of the updated OU pregame show, saying, “Those weren’t W’s. Justin and I just thought We’d announce the second coming with an homage to the star over Bethlehem. We figured this had a little more pizazz.” The Lord of Lords then extended His arms to display jazz hands of blinding glory.

“Admittedly, the fanfare change was probably My worst call since putting testicles on the outside,” He said as He restored the eyesight of press members. “But I wept when I heard My people’s weeping and gnashing of teeth over some of the less drastic changes. Everyone needs to calm down and work with Me a little bit here. It’s not the end of the world.” At press time, Yahweh was unable to comment on the actual planned date for the Apocalypse and subsequent End of Time.

“I really don’t appreciate being back-talked, so I decided to call down a plague of crickets on the city of Norman,” continued the Awakener of Eternal Spring. “Many people voiced their objections to the number of alternates in the flute section left out of pregame. Let this shrill cheeping be a symbolic reminder of My holy intentions.”

There has been no word on whether members of the Pride intend to protest the Lord’s will further. One second-year trombone player agreed to comment anonymously.

“Well, I’m glad our voices are being heard and some changes are being made, but there are still a few things a lot of us think need to be fixed,” he said. “We might have to just suck it up at this point though. I mean, we had no idea God was behind this, and we’re all walking around an open field with a bunch of lightning rods.” The interview was cut short when the student expressed concern over a large cluster of crickets gathering near the field.

One thought on “God Inflicts Cricket Plague on City, Stolarik Revealed as Messiah

  1. Now that is OU-Texas paper material if I have ever seen it. Thanks for the humor!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s